To start off with – I always have to stop and spend some time going back through Sylvia’s blog posts – despite the fact that I am subscribed and have already read them all.  In fact, I wait impatiently for the emails announcing new posts and I read each one the MINUTE I get the notice – no matter where I am.  (Yes – shh – even when I’m at work.  I’m just hoping one doesn’t come up while I am lecturing.) Still, every time I pop over to check out her Blogroll for some new leads, I need to budget at least a half hour to go back through and re-enjoy some of her posts.  Try it – I think you’ll agree.

Last weekend, when I finally managed to drag my eyes over to Sylvia’s  Blogroll – “Life in the Boomer Lane” caught my eye.  It started me thinking – what are the ‘red light’ words or phrases that the most successful bloggers use to steer us to their site, despite the hundreds of thousands of other possibilities out there?  Clearly “boomer” is one.  As I was perusing this site, trying to decide what to read first, I immediately gravitated to a post called the “Top iPhone Apps for Post 50 Folks”.  Ooo – iPhone Apps!  Red light!  Naturally, I had to check that out and I wasn’t disappointed.  Just looking at the picture at the top cracked me up.  Check it out for a great example of this blog and a good chuckle.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/star%20trek/dearjonboy/Star_Trek_funny_pics_01.jpg?o=2&sortby=sevendaysview

A while later I ended up at Ashley Jillian’s blog, lured in by a photo of Mr. Spock (ooo Star Trek - rrrred light!) and an article called “Blogging Tips, Delivered (Sex)”.  Okay – I’ll admit it; it was the word ‘sex’ in the title that actually caught my eye on the blogging tips post (RED LIGHT!)  That’s gotta be a biggy, I thought.  Too bad I don’t know anything about it or I would start a blog called…  well…  just “SEX!”  Anyway, the blogging tips were terrific and it seems that the word ‘sex’ in the title might have pumped up the traffic a bit.  (We’ll see if it does the same for me.)  I was especially interested to read one of the comments – by “Becoming Cliché”  – advising the use of the phrase ‘peed pants’ in order to “drive traffic to your blog. Your numbers will skyrocket.” Very exciting news indeed! (We’ll see if it works for me.)   I could write a lot of posts on ‘peed pants’ – I’ve even got a recipe!

1 bottle of wine + 1 boomer aged woman = peed pants

Whoops sorry – that’s an equation.  (It’s the damn engineering professor in me sneaking out again.)  Still it’s a recipe of sorts – a ‘recipe for disaster’ that, unfortunately, works for me every time.

Of course, I had to take a look at Becoming Cliché’s great blog – and you should, too. I suggest you start with her hilarious post “Your Comprehensive Guide to Passive Aggression, Vol. 1”.  Who would have thought that Blog Surfing could be fun AND educational?  I am eagerly awaiting Volume 2!

Some other obvious red light words seem to be ‘Scrabble’ and ‘Ukulele’.  They too are irresistible to me and my own two blog posts on these topics continue to be my most read.  I only wish I knew enough about Scrabble and ukuleles to write more!

What about you?  Are there certain words or phrases that guide your Blog Surfing choices?  Have they led you to equally great blogs?   I’d love to hear about them.  In the meantime, I hope you are reading my blog at work!

I recently came back from a conference at a fabulous venue – a superb 5 star hotel. They were very accommodating and attentive to my vegan needs – I got fabulous fruit plates, exotic veggie wraps, even a sumptuous stir-fry, but not an ounce of vegan protein. By day two I was feeling distinctly ravenous: I found myself hallucinating about gnawing on the leg of the person beside me in frenzied desperation (granted he was a tasty looking morsel). By the afternoon of day three I had to skip a session and nip down the street to grab a fish dinner. I hated doing it – but I was desperate – there were no vegan restaurants within walking distance.

Vegans are a pain in the butt to their friends and relatives. After all, what the heck do you feed these people? No one seems to know… (No wonder people rarely invite us over for dinner anymore.) But you’d think a fancy chef in a posh restaurant would know this – shouldn’t it be part of their extensive training? Apparently not! I’ve yet to come across a chef or cook who knows that vegans need protein, just like all the carnivores! In fact – I have gotten to the point that I often keep my veganism a secret when travelling or eating out – since I am convinced that all chefs hate us deeply – and consider us fair game for torture and ridicule. That’s the only logical explanation for some of the awful crap and disgusting mush I’ve been served over the years. But hey – I shouldn’t complain – after all, how on earth is an expert supposed to cook without lashings of butter and hefty chunks of flesh?

Now to be fair, I’ve not always been denied protein as a traveling vegan. On one trip, I was given slimy soup with chunks of greasy sausage in it and when I asked for a vegetarian alternative, I was told to “eat around the meat.” And you would not believe how many people think chickens are vegetables!

“Ah – right, you’re a vegetarian… so… do you eat chicken then?”

Now I have had chickens as pets – and I’d be the first to admit that they are not particularly bright – but I think it’s just plain cruel to call them vegetables.

So I am going to make it easy on all you chefs out there – and if you are running a 5 star hotel and hosting conferences, please pass this along to your kitchen professionals, as well… It’s the best kept secret in the food service industry. Here it comes… There is a simple little thing called “tofu”. It even comes in exotic little morsels that imitate meat. Go to any health food store and you can find it. Grab a few packs of it – veggie chicken strips, beef strips, even just plain (but firm!) tofu. Keep a few packs in the kitchen freezer and you can just add these little treats to that classic vegetarian standby – the stir-fry – and save the poor vegan travelers from protein starvation and their traveling companions from threats of cannibalism.

The solution is so damn simple I cannot believe I am writing about it – but there it is – the big secret finally revealed. And chefs – don’t worry that you’re lowering your standards by using these meat substitutes. We vegans will not only forgive you for it – we will LOVE you for it! In fact, I’ll eat stir-fry for breakfast, lunch and supper if it means I can eat vegan! Bon appetite!

If you haven’t yet downloaded the eBook version of my new novel – now’s the time to get it!  It’s on sale for 50% off (yup – that’s just $3.50) until Jan 15, 2012.  That’s about the price of your typical Cappuccino or Latte  – and this will last you MUCH longer. (It’s ~96,000 words long – or about 8 to 15 hours of reading enjoyment!)

You can download it for reading on a Kindle, Kobo, iPad,  Mac, PC, etc.  - just click here to bring up the book’s web page.  Even if you don’t own an eReader device - you can read my novel online in HTML format or on your computer as a PDF.  You can even download a free Kindle eBook reader for your computer at the Amazon web site.

To get the 50% discount, just enter coupon code ND94T at the checkout and the price will reduce to $3.50. You will have to sign up for a Smashwords membership – but hey, that’s no different from any other website you’re using to buy eBooks and, once you do sign-up, you can access the hundreds of free eBooks that Smashwords offers, as well!

Please help me to get the word out by telling EVERYONE you know and encouraging them to take advantage of this sale price!

Not sure you want to pay $3.50 until you try it out?  No problem – you can read up to 30% of the book without paying a cent!  Just download the free sample and if you’re not hooked by the time you’ve read 30% of the book – you’ve not wasted a penny! (Just click here  to open the eBook’s web page and then scroll down to access the free samples.)

Need help to download the eBook?  Just click here to get a PDF with step by step instructions.  If you have any problems getting the eBook – just email me for help at faye@fayehicks.com.

Cover art by Melissa Murray

Want some light and fun Christmas reading?   Download my novel from Smashwords - it’s now available  as an Ebook for reading on a Kindle, Kobo, iPad, Mac, PC, etc. (Please note – you will have to disable the Adult Content filter on the Smashwords website to find my book using their search feature.) 

As my Christmas present to you – get it FREE until Jan 2, 2012 – just enter coupon code XY84U at the checkout and the price will reduce to $0.00. (Click here for step by step instructions.)

Please help me to get the word out by telling EVERYONE you know about it and encouraging them to take advantage of this free Ebook!

Hope you enjoy it – please use the comment feature below to let me know what you think!

Synopsis:

‘Defining Moments’ is the story of Ellie Ward, a professor with a knack for making bad decisions at life’s crossroads, often with tragic consequences. At the age of nine, Ellie accidentally discovers a time portal near her childhood home, one that opens to her in situations of extreme trauma and emotion. Passing through the portal takes Ellie back in time to the key decision points that lead to her life’s tragedies, enabling her to change those decisions and avert the crises. The downside is that she never has any idea what the specific ‘defining moments’ were, and so she never knows how much of her life she is going to have to repeat to undo a bad situation.
River ice studies take Ellie to a remote town in Canada’s Northwest Territories, where she agrees to go along with three other people in a tiny, single engine plane to scout for ice jams. Ellie’s decision not to insist that they turn back before venturing too far from town becomes another defining moment in her life when their engine fails and they crash land in the bush. As the only able-bodied survivor Ellie’s graduate student, Brenda, must take on the burden of keeping the others safe as they wait for help to arrive. Fearing that Brenda will crumble under the emotional strain, Ellie shares her personal journal as a diversion. As the hours of waiting turn into days, Brenda immerses herself in Ellie’s autobiography, and we join with her in reading of Ellie’s multiple lives, loves, careers, passions and losses. Brenda is astonished to read that her professor has managed to go back and reverse those bad decisions that resulted in tragic outcomes. Is this actually possible, or is Ellie’s journal just a work of fiction? And if it is possible, and Ellie has found a way to rewind the clock to each defining moment in her life, will she live to get the chance to do it this time?

Get it here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/115918

It will also be available in paperback form in late January!

To download a PDF file with step by step instructions: click here

If you have any problems – just email me for help at faye@fayehicks.com

Note – if you don’t own a Kindle, Kobo, iPad or the like – you can read it online in HTML format or you can download a free Kindle Ebook reader for your computer at the Amazon web site: http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/ref=kcp_pc_mkt_lnd?docId=1000426311

“Did you get it?” I would ask.

“Nope, try again,” she would reply.

I would lift my butt out of the chair (what a lot of work) and make contortionist facial expressions as I twisted and tilted my hand until I heard the satisfying “PING!”

“Got it!” She would exclaim.

“This is so cool!” I would marvel.

“Awesome!” She would agree.

Imagine how excited we were to upgrade to PDAs with Bluetooth! We could recline in our chairs, even sit at right angles to each other, point the gadget at the ceiling and, when ready, just hit the send key without any thought to direction or distance.

“This is so cool!” She would marvel.

“Awesome!” I would agree.

Now those PDAs are collecting dust in our desks’ bottom drawers, along with all of those other amazing electronic gadgets we didn’t get a chance to wear out before they became obsolete. Mine are sitting right beside my first flip phone – so cool – a Star Trek communicator just like Spock’s! But now we have graduated to IPhones and IPads – heck, we don’t even have to be in the same province to play Scrabble now! So we play almost every day – using wi-fi and the internet – and I spend the rest of my time bugging pretty much anyone who will listen to me to play Scrabble with me, as well. The response I get most often from people is, “I’m no good at it – I have never played much.”

“I’m no good at it either” I reply, “but that doesn’t matter. It’s still tons of fun!” But I know where they are coming from. A while after I got my first Scrabble game, I was doing some on-line research for Scrabble tips and I was shocked to read that “beginners” playing together should expect to score between 300 and 400 points! Whoa – I was lucky to break 200! This really made me feel inadequate. Over the years though, I have played thousands of games – and I eventually picked up some clues on how not to embarrass myself. So now, I am proud to say, I have graduated to beginner: I almost always – okay, well, at least half the time – get 300 points or more. I can also beat my sister-in-law about half the time – the half where I get all the good letters and she gets all the vowels. I have a ton of fun 100% of the time though.

So – would you like to graduate to ‘Scrabble Beginner’ – and get at least 300 points in most games? If yes, then read on. Here are my 10 top tips for Scrabble beginners… the strategies I learned that helped me to improve my game immensely!

Tip 1 – Don’t set up the triple word squares for your opponent

There are eight of these around the perimeter of the board – shown usually in orange and labeled ‘TW’– make a word on these and you get triple points. Make a word with a good (3 to 4) point letter like K, P, F or M and wow – great score builder. Use a J, X, Q or Z on one of these and you can get mega-points! However, you need to make sure that it is you that gets to do this, not your opponent. So be very careful around these parts of the board – never set things up so that it is easy for your opponent to use a triple word square.

Tip 2 – Always use the triple word squares

Following naturally from the principle behind Tip 1, never pass up the opportunity to use a triple word square. Sure it’s ideal to use it with the big point tiles, but be sure to use it even if you have only cheesey little one point letters. Be sure to use it even if you can only put a 2-letter word there. Be sure to use it even if you can get more points with a bigger word somewhere else on the board – because if you don’t take the opportunity to use it when it first arises, your opponent will take advantage of it in the very next turn and chances are they will have a 10 point tile, like a Q or an X, to put in there!

Tip 3 – watch for the BINGOs

In Scrabble – you get a 50 point bonus if you can make a word using all 7 tiles in your rack – this is called a “BINGO”. I actually played Scrabble for years without knowing about this – so embarrassing! Now my goal is to try to get at least one bingo in each game. This is what you should be saving your blank tiles for – don’t waste them on anything else in the first half of the game. If you have two blank tiles – then you are almost guaranteed a bingo – just play off the useless letters until you get 5 that go together with the blanks to make a 7 letter word. (That’s how I managed to get the bingo “reWIRES” shown on this board.)

Eventually the board will get a bit crowded and it will become difficult, or impossible, to play such a large word. At this point, don’t make the mistake of hanging onto a bingo and passing your turn, in hopes of finding a spot to play it later. Any time you pass in the middle of a game without trading tiles, it’s a dead giveaway to your opponent that you’re looking for a place to play a bingo and they’ll make sure you don’t get to do it. And what if you are on the reverse side of this… your opponent starts passing turns without trading tiles? Start playing two letter words – don’t leave them any opening for a big word to intersect your last play.

Tip 4 – Always try to overlap words instead of intersecting them

Most novices think only about intersecting with the words on the board – but the fact is – you can usually get many more points by overlapping another word by 2 or more tiles. For example, look at the words HOLED and FIG in the board above – both overlapping the word FAZED by two letters. In this case – you get to count up points in 3 words instead of only one. I have a rule of thumb for playing – I always try to overlap a word on the board by at least 2 letters, and preferably 3. If I can overlap by 4 letters – I consider that almost as lucky as a bingo. The points really rack up when you do this and it’s an especially useful way to get at least 10 points with a rack full of 1 point letters.

Tip 5 – try to save you big point tiles for use with a double word or triple letter square

It’s a fact that, when two players are relatively evenly matched, it’s the played that gets the good letters (J, X, Q and Z) that usually wins the game. However, this requires you to make the most of these valuable tiles. So I try never to use them unless I am at least getting double word (DW) or triple letter (TL) points for them. The exception, of course, is when my back is to the wall. If the game nearly over and I am in danger of having to count one of these big point letters against me – then I will play it anywhere just to get rid of it. Either way – Tip #6 can help you implement Tip #5.

Tip 6 – Learn the two letter word list

I’ve already mentioned using two letter words twice now – to use (block) the triple word squares and to prevent an opponent from playing a bingo. Knowing the two letter word list also comes in handy when trying to follow Tip 4 – overlapping words. The two letter word list is especially useful for playing those big point letters (J, X, Q and Z).

If you’re like me and your brain doesn’t retain things too well anymore then memorize the most useful ones: XI, XU, QI and ZA. Knowing just these four words can earn you a bundle of points when things are going well – and can save your bacon if you happen to get one at the end of a game when the board is tight and the score is close.

Tip 7 – Learn some ways to use a Q without a U

If your luck is anything like mine – you never have any shortage of U tiles unless you have a Q to play. The solution is to memorize a few words that use Q, but that don’t need a U to do it. You’ve learned one already in Tip #6: QI; here are a few more: QAT, QAID and FAQIR. You can find much more comprehensive lists on the web – but again, if you’re like me and find it hard to memorize long lists –this little group can serve you well, especially since you can double it to 8 words, just by adding the letter S to each of them.

Tip 8 – play as many letters as possible

Generally my priority is to get as many points as possible and I really hate to waste a turn by getting less than 10 points. I feel like I might as well swap my tiles in that case. However, if I can play 4 or more tiles on my rack I’ll do it – even if I only get 1 point each. I basically think of it as swapping tiles, but getting a few measly points in the bargain.

Tip 9 – cut your losses and swap!

When I started playing, I was loathe to waste a turn by swapping – now instead I have set priorities. If I cannot play at least 4 letters OR get at least 10 points, then I cut my losses and swap out the tiles. Generally I swap all 7 – the only exception is S – I never give up an S.

Tip 10 – extend existing words

Here’s where that S shows its value – chances are if you have one – you can get more than 10 points anyway – just tack it on the end of a word already on the board. Better yet, try to tack it on to the end of two words at once. If you can only extend one word, then try to make it one that has a big point letter in it (J, X, Q and Z). Other great word extenders are prefixes (like UN- and RE-) and suffixes (like –ER and –ED). It’s especially great if you can use a word extender to extend a word over a double or triple word square!

So there you have it – my ten top tips for Scrabble beginners. I’m no expert – as you can probably guess. However, at least I can play for fun without losing too badly or getting too humiliated. Hope they help you to enjoy the game more, as well. Now go find me on FaceBook and invite me to play a game!

It was pretty easy for me to get going on the ukulele, since I’d been playing guitar for a long time. However, I wouldn’t dare venture to say that I am a skilled ukulele player. I’ve been using it in the band for 6 months now, and I still only strum while performing. If I wasn’t trying to learn the fiddle right now, I would put more time into learning different strumming and picking techniques on the uke – but for now I am only dabbling at that – so far I’ve managed to get by just making up my own strumming patterns on the fly. Which just goes to show you – you can have a ton of fun with the ukulele without knowing too much about it. Still – for those of you thinking of trying this terrific little instrument – here are some tips on getting started and learning to play.

Tip #1 – get a REAL ukulele

There are a lot of toy ukuleles out there ($50 to $100 range) and some are real garbage. The big test any ukulele must pass, in my opinion, is whether it can hold a tune. If you buy a ‘toy’ – chances are you will either spend the rest of your life tuning it, or you will be playing out of key forever – because as soon as you tune it – the tuning pegs will slip and it will go out of tune. So when you go to buy your uke – go to a music store and ask the salesperson to show you how to tune it. Don’t be embarrassed to ask this – they will smell a sale and will be happy to do it. Then test every uke in the shop – and tune every one before you try it. Find one that is easy to tune, that is gentle on the fingers and which sounds sweet. If you know someone who plays the uke – ask them to come to the shop with you – and get them to play them all for you. You can usually get a salesperson to do this for you, as well. It really helps you to decide which one(s) you like the sound of best if you can hear some real music played on it.

Ukes come in 4 sizes: soprano (the little one – like the toys), concert, tenor and baritone (the largest). I suggest going for a concert or a tenor size – you get a bit nicer sound and the fingerboard is a bit roomier compared to a soprano uke. The baritone is the largest, though still a small instrument – but generally has a different tuning setup than the other three.

Tip #2 – get a shoulder strap for your ukulele

Most ukuleles do not have a button on them to attach a strap – but you can add this for less than 5 bucks at most music shops, and this will enable you to put a little mandolin strap on it. The advantage of this is that it means your left hand is free to worry only about chording – not supporting – the fingerboard, so you will be able to change chords much more easily (and eventually, much more quickly). It also means that your right hand/arm is free to pick or strum so you will be able to try more patterns and do them with greater ease. Even if you always sit to play – I think you will find that a shoulder strap will rocket you up the learning curve at an astounding rate.

Tip # 3 – cut your left hand’s fingernails REALLY short!

To get a clean sound you need to press the strings with the very tips of your fingers, and this means you need to cut your fingernails very short. Now gals, I do not mean ‘trim’ your fingernails – I mean cut them really short! If you can see any white on the nail at all – then you are not cutting enough off. If you have long, gorgeous painted nails, then it’s decision time. Do you want to be a musician or don’t you? You will soon recognize people who play guitar, banjo, mandolin or uke - they all have extremely short fingernails on the left hand (for chording), and relatively long nails on the right hand (for picking). If you think this is freaky – watch for fiddle/guitar/uke players… We have short nails on the left hand, long nails on the middle three fingers of the right hand (for picking) and short baby fingernail and thumbnail on the right hand (essential for properly holding the fiddle bow). I neglect the thumbnail on my left hand completely – it’s the only digit on which the nail can be long or short… If you are obsessed with long nails and fingernail art – do up your left hand thumbnail – work the drama-nail urges out of your system dolling up that one nail. You may even start a cult following – especially once you are a famous musician!

Tip #4 – get a good chord chart

One thing I love about the ukulele is that most of the chords use only one or two fingers. And, unlike the mandolin (and, to a lesser extent, the guitar), you don’t have to be a contortionist to make them. However, one thing I have noticed is that – like most similar instruments – there are many ways to make each chord and some ways are much easier than others. So, after a lot of hunting, I have come up with my own ukulele chord chart which contains the easiest version that I could find of every common chord. Feel free to print and use it yourself; probably you will make your own at some point – but for now – it will get you started. Check it out if you are already playing – you might see some easier versions of the chords than you have been using so far.

Tip # 5 – put the chord charts right on the song sheets

This is how I learned all the chords I needed in just a few days – I took all the song sheets that we were using in the band and added the relevant ukulele chord diagrams right onto them. That way I could remind myself of all of the chords I needed for each song, without having to refer back to the chord chart all the time. Here’s an example for Amazing Grace that you can try out for yourself.

Tip # 6 – always tune before you play

…and use a tuner. Unless you are an unusually gifted musician, you really should use a tuner to tune your ukulele. Be sure to tune your uke each and every time, BEFORE you play. I used to have this debate with my husband quite frequently, when he first started playing guitar…

Me: “Acch – that’s painful. Your guitar is out of tune.”

He: “Really ? It sounds fine to me…”

Me: “Did you tune it before you started playing?”

He: “I don’t need to bother – I’m just gonna play for a minute.”

It doesn’t matter if you are going to play for a minute, or an hour – you will never develop an ear for music if you do not tune your instrument every single time you pick it up to play. You can get free “apps” for your smartphone that do this, you can use free tuners online, or you can buy a tuner at the music shop. Do yourself (and your family) a huge favour – get a tuner now and use it religiously.

Tip # 7 – use fingering exercises to gradually build up the calluses

One of the hardest parts of learning to play a stringed instrument is dealing with the pain in the tips of the fingers of your left hand (assuming you are playing right handed). After a while they will get ugly calluses like mine, shown here (mine are a bit stained too, from playing the fiddle for 2 hours in the middle of writing this post…)  Until you toughen up your fingertips – playing will be a very painful experience. I found two things helped me to deal with this. The first was to start off each session with some fingering exercises. Pluck the first string open, then with your index finger on (actually just behind) the first fret, then with your middle finger on the second fret, then with your ring finger on the third fret and finally with your pinky finger on the fourth fret. Do the pinky one twice and then work your way back down: ring finger on third fret, middle finger on second fret, index finger on the first fret, then open. Now move to the second string and repeat the pattern. Then the third string, then the fourth. Run through that a few times at the beginning of each practice. Not only will it toughen up your fingertips, it will limber up your fingers. You can also use this exercise to limber up your right hand too – by practicing different finger picking exercises as you do it. (I’ll write more on those in a later post…) The second thing I found that helped in the early stages of toughening up the fingertips was to play for a short amount of time (e.g. 10 to 15 minutes) several times a days, instead of playing for one long (60 to 90 minute) session.

You need to play at least a bit every day to build up those calluses. So even if you only have time to run through those exercises a few times… do it! Your fingers will thank you.

Tip # 8 – use the pinky finger on your left hand – a lot!

Just as there are many different finger patterns for playing most chords, there are many different finger combinations you can use to make any particular version of a chord. I find that the key to being able to change chords quickly (aside from lots of practice) is to choose finger patterns that will help you to get into position for the next chord you will be playing, and using the baby finger is a key aspect of this strategy. For example, think of the G and G7 chords – these often get played one after the other. If you keep your middle finger on the second fret of the third string and your ring finger on the second fret of the first string – you just have to put your index finger on the first fret of the second string to play G7 (shown above) and add your pinky on the third fret of the second string to change to G (shown at left – here I have lifted my index finger for picture clarity – but you can leave it in place. Then just lift the pinky to go back to G7.)

Same for D and D7… If you put your middle finger on the second fret of the fourth string and your pinky finger on the second fret of the second string – you’ve got a D7. Now just add your ring finger on the second fret of the third string and, voila! You’ve got a D. Lift the ring finger and you’re back to D7.

My sister-in-law commented recently that I don’t seem to use my index finger all that much when playing ukulele – I hadn’t noticed it until she said it – but it’s true – and it’s because I use my pinky finger a lot in the way I have just described. If you consciously try to use your pinky as much as possible – it can really help you to become quicker at changing chords. Think about this as well – I sometimes use different finger patterns for the same chord – depending upon which chord I will play next, or have just played. Don’t constrain yourself to any particular pattern – learn to be flexible – and have that pinky in your arsenal to draw on anytime!

Tip # 9 – start slow

No matter what finger patterns you eventually decide you prefer for the various chords – it will take time to get good at changing chords. The important thing to remember is to never sacrifice accuracy for speed. Otherwise you can develop some very bad habits that are hard to get rid of later.  Take it slow, make sure you get a nice clean sound with each chord and that you have your fingers correctly placed. Strum slowly and deliberately – get some volume out of your instrument. If it helps – start with slow songs… and ones that don’t have a lot of chord changes in them. That way you won’t feel pressured to change chords quickly while you are learning. Let your skill evolve naturally. Eventually, as the muscle memories develop – finger placements and chord changes will become automatic – then you will find you can do them faster with no effort at all.

Tip # 10 – play along with others

There are tons of YouTube videos on playing the ukulele and some of the best for beginners are by “Ukulele Mike”. You can play along with him and get the feel for rhythm and pace. And it sounds good because he plays along with you! Try this one for starters: You are My Sunshine. It’s an easy one for beginners.

I also like to include the artist’s names when I look up music online – so I can play along with their CDs or videos. First, I find the chords for the song I want to learn by using the following search string: “Guitar Chords for some song by some artist”, substituting the song title and performer I am interested in at the time. This usually leads me to the music in the key that they performed it in. Once I have the music, I look up the performance on youTube and play along. It’s a great way to have fun learning new songs.

Also – play along with your friends – don’t worry – they will go slow for you.  You may have to remind them a bit – but don’t be shy to do it, we’ve all been there and we know we need to take it slow when playing with beginners.  It will be a a ton of fun for both of you – trust me on that –  and you learn exponentially when you play with others.  So start doing that as soon as possible.

Well that’s it – my 10 tips for ukulele beginners. I hope you find some of them useful – and if you do, please use the comment feature to let me know. I’d also love to hear your tips on playing the ukulele – so please share those below, too. And be sure to play – EVERY day!

About four months ago I decided to learn to play the fiddle.  Well actually, my husband said, “you should learn to play the fiddle.”   And of course I replied, “good idea! I will!”  I always agree with everything he says – it keeps him off guard. 

How hard can it be? I thought.  I learned to play the ukulele in one weekend.  I learned to play the guitar at 13…  These are both terrifically fun instruments that offer almost instantaneous rewards.  You pick ’em up, learn a few chords and pretty soon you’re strumming songs – at least well enough to accompany a roomful of drunken people who think they are singing.  Sure it might take years of practice (and considerable innate musical talent) to really explore the full potential of the instrument, but in the meantime your friends will not feel assaulted by your efforts, they might even enjoy listening to you, at least for brief periods.

Not so for the fiddle, I’m afraid – four months into the effort I have barely managed to get to the stage where my cat no longer howls and scratches at the door, desperately trying to escape my practice sessions.  Now she just slinks into the next room and cowers under the bed for the duration.  My family has stopped asking me to play for them – actually that stopped after about the first month… and I know that the torture I have put them through so far is beyond inhumane.   My dear sister-in-law comically describes fiddle practice as a “screeching, howling banshee-noise” in her blog, and the minute I open the violin case, my husband pulls on his headphones and fires up the MP3 player full blast.  It’s a good thing we live in the country, or my neighbours would have sought court injunctions by now. And my fiddle teacher? Well, as far as I am concerned, fiddle teachers are more brave and selfless than flight instructors – I cannot even begin to describe the horrors they have to put up with on a daily basis.

So – it’s been two months since my last report on this adventure – how is it going, you might ask?    Have I learned how to hold the bow yet?   How tight is “tight enough” when it comes to those bowstrings?   And of course, have I put any rosin on the bow since July?  Here’s the update…

How do you hold the @$%&@ bow?

I am delighted to say that I finally have this beast under control – check it out… 

1. Thumb bent?   YES!
2. Baby finger bent?   YES!
3. Only the tip of the thumb touching the bow?    YES! 

We won’t talk about those middle two fingers for now – they should wrap around a little farther – but hey, I’ve got pretty short chubby fingers – and that’s not a firm rule anyway, so I’m working with this bow hold for now, at least…

How tight do you tighten the bow?

I hate to admit it – but the right answer was indeed “tight enough”.  Or, to be more precise, it was “just experiment with it”.  So far, I would say to err on the loose side is better than having it too tight. A good rule of thumb I read somewhere on the web is to just have room to fit a pencil between the stick and the hairs at the centre of the bow.   I have actually, occasionally, made semi-musical sounds come out of the fiddle with this setup; it helps to take the pencil out first though.

How much rosin are you supposed to put on the bow?

If you read my last post – you know that this was the cause of much embarrassment for me.  I had the bow, and the strings, totally gummed up with rosin.  Since mid-July I have only rosined my bow twice, and I absolutely hated myself for it after.  I think I’ve still got enough on there to last me until Christmas –  but, hey, who knows – maybe I should just add a little here…

So – with all the beginner preliminaries (mostly) out of the way – I have moved onto bigger problems. For example…

What? No frets?

Before I started this adventure I thought that this would be the main problem – and now that I have graduated to such high-class worries, I’ve found it is definitely the worst one yet. As a guitar and ukulele player, I wondered how the heck I was supposed to know where to put my fingers on the fiddle, with no frets to guide me.   Like most beginners, I started with the fake frets – little bits of tape positioned to mark the locations of certain notes.   However, they’re sort of like the training wheels you had on your first 2-wheeler bike as a kid – having them on there makes you feel like a baby and you just can’t wait to get them off! 

I found they helped a lot at first for general finger positioning, but the tapes are about a half centimeter wide and I found that a mere millimeter either way can make a huge difference in the pitch of the note I am playing.  So I got frustrated again pretty quickly and took them off, then I put them back on, then I took them off again.  Two months into the learning process I took them off for good.  I just read somewhere today that you should try not to use them past about 6 to 9 months!  So maybe I gave up on them too early.  Maybe I would have progressed faster if I’d left them on.  Anyway, I have been working without them for the past two months and I have tried a couple of alternatives with varying success.   

First I tried a chromatic tuner. Basically, it’s a gadget that displays the note you are playing – so you can move your finger up and down the fret board until you find the note you want to play. It worked well for finding the notes on the E and A strings (the two thinnest strings) but not for the dreaded D string. I have spent the past 6 weeks on the D string. All I can say is that it’s a good thing I bought an expensive fiddle because otherwise I would have given up by now, or even worse, I would have smashed it into a million bits! One millimeter, one frigging millimeter, is the distance between playing F# too sharp and playing it too flat. I was convinced that the actual F# note didn’t exist on my fiddle’s D string… and you can’t find what isn’t there, right?

The second thing I have tried is playing along with recordings of the notes, first in easy songs and now, lately, with recordings of the scales that my teacher has made for me.  This is, by far, the best approach. I feel almost like I am learning exponentially now.  Okay, at least I am finally making some incremental progress.  The other thing that has helped is to focus on playing along with very slow songs only.  It’s just too hard to be accurate when your fingers are racing around the fret board.

The bowing complicates things…

If you play the guitar or some other stringed instrument, you know all about the difficulty with playing notes on one hand while strumming or picking with the other.  It’s like trying to rub your stomach and pat your head at the same time – it requires intense concentration and things can fall apart quickly.  I find the problem is magnified by a factor of about a million when it comes to bowing the fiddle.  I get so intent on finding the notes, that the bow starts wandering all over the place – that’s when the “banshee screeching” noises start. Fortunately this one is easier to fix – just boring.  I just have to practice bowing without playing any notes.  My dogs love this – especially when I get to the high pitched E string – they too now run when I open the violin case…

So – I am practicing my notes and my bowing – this could fill hours a day if I only had the time – and I am finally getting into playing a few slow songs.  Hopefully, it will all come together in… let’s say about a year?  Actually, my husband rushed into the den one night this past week and exclaimed, “wow, that sounds really good!”  Unfortunately, it was the recording I was about to practice along with that he was so impressed by – I hadn’t started playing yet myself… 

My fiddle - a beauty to see and hear...

So what am I going to do with all this free time?  Well, in anticipation of this sabbatical I decided to take up the violin – or to be perfectly precise about it – the fiddle.  I’ve been at it for about six weeks now, so ya… I am barely getting started.  So far it has been exhilarating, comical, challenging and downright irritating.  In fact, I now realize that I have embarked on an odyssey that will likely last years.  So naturally, I thought I’d better document the experience.  For those of you thinking of taking on the same challenge, perhaps this will give you an idea of what you’d be getting into.  For the rest of you, take it as an opportunity to laugh at me – especially if you are an experienced musician.  Embarrassment seems to go hand-in-hand with learning to play this instrument.

For instalment 1 – we’re going to start with what I call the ‘Fiddle FAQ’.  Questions that I have asked many times, and questions I have been asked many times.  Here’s one that falls into both categories:

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

It’s basically the same instrument – the setup is just slightly different.  For example, a fiddle typically has steel strings whereas a violin would have gut strings (synthetic or natural) or composite strings (where the ‘gut’ of the heavier strings are wrapped in steel). Another difference is that the tailpiece on a fiddle usually has fine tuning screws on all four strings – whereas the violin typically would have a fine tuning screw on the finest (highest) string only.  In some cases the fiddle’s bridge may be modified a bit to set up the strings a bit lower, too.

However, according to most of the fiddlers I have met so far, the primary difference between the fiddle and the violin is actually in the nature of the musician.  Fiddlers generally seem to consider violinists as stuff-shirted, snobby and overly serious people with a pickle up their…  well, let’s say, they’re people who hold and play  the instrument is a very fussy and particular way.  Apparently they never drink and never have any fun either.  Fiddlers on the other hand are easy-going, fun-loving people who hold the fiddle and the bow in whatever way feels comfortable and who are generally enormously likeable and entertaining.

How do you hold the @$%&@ bow?

This was the biggest question for me in getting started – in fact, it is still is my biggest problem.  So far I have watched about a thousand YouTube videos on this.  They are all completely consistent on three things:

1. the thumb must be bent;
2. the  baby finger must be bent; and
3. only the tip of the thumb should touch the bow.

One person says “keep it loose…  when I am holding the bow, I am  holding it so loose I could almost drop it.”

Another says, “you cannot hold it too loose – you need enough of a grip to control it – otherwise it will slide all over the strings.”

Frankly that doesn’t matter – I cannot keep both my thumb and baby finger bent and not have the bow flop around in my hand.  So loose it is…  And a nightmare it sounds…

Every single video I have watched has suggested a different way to approach the bow hold.  One will say place your thumb first, another tells you to perch the bow on you index finger then load the thumb on next.  Yet another says to place the middle and ring fingers first.  All of these lead to the same basic result – and absolutely none help me in the least.  Of course I have an excellent teacher – each week she patiently shows me the correct way to hold the bow – gives me a few exercises to practice and I leave her house secure in the knowledge that the bow-hold dilemma is behind me.  But it takes 45 minutes to get home from her place and just 30 for me to forget completely what she’s just taught me.   So I’m getting absolutely nowhere on that.  In fact, I just went back up and added the expletive in the title – I’m getting irritated just telling you about it.  I have come extremely close to swinging the fiddle into the wall more than once during this past couple of weeks. No doubt I will be coming back to the bow-hold in future posts…

How tight should you tighten the bow?

This one is easy – I’ve asked a half dozen fiddlers and only needed about fifty YouTube videos for this.  They’re all perfectly consistent on it.  Apparently you just tighten it “enough”.  Yep, very helpful…  The idea is that you want it tight enough so that the stick doesn’t mash onto the hairs when your “fiddling hard”.  But you don’t  want to get it too tight – or else the bow will bounce along on your strings.  Right now I am able to mash and bounce simultaneously…  I guess we’ll come back to this in the future, too.
And finally for today’s post – my favourite question…

How much rosin are you supposed to put on the bow?

I started out with a student rental violin (just rehaired) and fooled around with it for a few weeks before I finally found a teacher. I had asked the guy at the shop how much rosin to put on the bow and he told me my teacher would explain all that. So I used the rosin sparingly until I got to my first lesson.  There I found out that I had virtually no rosin on the bow – making it impossible to play. No wonder I was getting nowhere on my own!   Apparently you need to get it sticky enough for the hair to grab the strings.   Well – if a little is good, a lot must be great – so I went home and rosined that sucker to the hilt.  And when I bought my own fiddle and new bow a few weeks later, the guy in the store told me that I’d have my work cut out for me for a little while to get enough rosin built up on the strings and bow for it to work well.  So I rosined that one up really well, too.  He also said something about how to clean the strings – but I figured that was something you did when you were going out for the evening with it.  You know, so it would look nice…  Obviously irrelevant for now.  So I rosined it two or three times a practice.  I rosined it in the middle of my lessons.  I even spent an evening in front of the TV rosining the bow.  Not playing, mind you – just a good solid hour of rosining.

Now, if you are a guitar, mandolin, banjo or ukulele player – you’ve probably noticed already that the fiddle has no frets (an idea the violinists came up with, no doubt).  After all – what kind of weeny needs to have visual cues for finger placement?  So as I was struggling to find the right spots on each string – I noticed it was getting harder and harder.   My beautiful instrument that had sounded so wonderful at the store – sounded like it was full of cotton when I played it. I couldn’t tell an F# from a B.  So I took it back to the store – and they brought out the expert to check it out for me.  He played it and said it had a beautiful sound.  I had to agree, it did… when HE played it. 

“Am I out of my league with it?” I asked him. “Should I have bought one with training wheels instead of one with booster rockets?”

“No,” he replied.  “But you do have the strings totally gummed up with rosin.  And there’s enough rosin on this bow to last you at least two weeks. I’m surprised you can play it at all.  Remember, when it comes to rosin – less is more.”

I tried not to blush too brightly as he showed me how to clean the strings.  I nodded dutifully as he told me again that “less is more”.  The other patrons and store staff tried not to laugh.  I mumbled my thank-you’s, collected my fiddle and bow, and hustled out the door.  I don’t know how they contained their guffaws of laughter until I made my escape.  Apparently, they were all fiddlers, not violinists.

The other day I was talking with a friend in the hall by the bathroom – which is about the only place we ever seem to get to see each other these days – and she told me that she was listening to the radio on the way in to work that morning and heard them talking about how easy life is for professors.  It’s the perfect job –  not a lot to do, low stress – everyone should be so lucky.  We laughed…

“What radio station was that?!  I am going to call them!”  I said, half seriously.

“Sorry, don’t know – I was just surfing and happened to come across it…” she replied. 

“If they only knew,” a third voice piped up – another friend who overhead us as she too approached the bathroom. 

“How sad is this?” I said.  “The only time we ever see each other is at the bathroom!”

“If people only knew…” we all said in unison.

—

Thinking about this on my way back to my office I had to laugh again.  It brought back memories of a coffee break conversation I’d had 30 years ago in grad school.  At the time I was working for the government and doing my Masters part-time, as were two of my colleagues, Rick and Tim.

“Oh to be a professor,” Rick said, leaning back in his orange plastic cafeteria chair and stretching his legs out straight.

“Too right,” Tim said, reaching forward for the sugar bottle.  He shook a quarter cup of it into his bilge water coffee and stirred it with a spoon.  I watched in awe as the spoon came out intact.  I’d been sure that coffee could dissolve metal. 

“Ya,” I said.  “Two courses…    3 hours of lectures in each per week.  That works out to less than 3 hours work a day!  Swwwweeet!”

“Yes, that’s true,” Rick said.  “But imagine how deep they have to think for those 3 hours.  Three hours of that a day is probably equal to anyone else’s full day of thinking.”

“Especially if they work for the government…”  We all thought it – but no one said it.

“A lot of engineering professors do consulting on the side, too – doubling their salary,” Tim said.  “I heard that Dr. Roberts makes six figures.”

“You’re kidding!” Rick and I chorused, and Tim nodded.  Six figures, over 100 thousand dollars a year!  That was four times what we were making! 

—

My graduate supervisor helped to perpetuate the myth for me.  He never looked stressed and when I asked him about the lifestyle – ever the joker – he said, “yup! It the ideal life!  Each hour is only 50 minutes long and the year is only 8 months long.  It’s great!”

Before these insights and revelations I had never even considered being a professor – but suddenly I began to think that this might be a pretty cool job!  My fate was sealed when I came across a newspaper ad for a professor’s job and saw the annual salary: $65 thousand a year – more than twice my own, topped out, government pay rate.  I decided then and there that I was going to become a professor and make major bucks while working 50 minutes an hour and only 8 months per year.  Of course there was the little matter of finishing my Masters, which took another 2 years part-time, and then getting a PhD, which took another 4 years full-time – but those are stories for another day…  So what if I had to “drive ‘er” for a few years to get on the gravy train.  The reward at the end was big bucks and a relaxing stress free job, right?   I laughed as I remembered -  if only I had known…

Well – I don’t know which radio station it was – but the bee in my bonnet has been buzzing all week and I had to get it out, so – for those of you contemplating the career, or for those of you who are just curious – here is a slice of life as a professor.  A breakdown of my day, on the same day the radio encouraged you all to get a job like mine…  just so you know…

Tuesday – Jan 18, 2011…

It’s winter in Edmonton, and since they don’t believe in the concept of road ploughing here – my usual 40 minute commute has been taking 60 to 80 minutes, so I am up early and on my way to work at 6:15 AM to avoid the plethora of fender benders and cars stranded in snowdrifts that populate the usual rush hour period.  It is an easy trip in my little 4WD car– all alone on the silent city streets.  No stress for me!  So relaxing being a professor!

I get to work by 7:05 AM feeling pretty smug – nearly two and a half hours to go until my first class – plenty of time to eat my breakfast (which I brought with me since I like to eat after I wake up) and to prepare my notes for class – so relaxing being a professor!  I decide to check my email while I spoon my cereal.  I have 32 new messages – 6 are spam – terf those.  What else here? 

• Email from Grad Student A: Dear professor – have you had a chance to work on our journal paper?  Will you be done with it soon?  Crap – I forgot about that!  Note to self – set Friday aside to finish the rewrite on that paper.  
• Email from Grad Student B: Dear professor – how are you making out with chapter 3 of my thesis?  Would you be finished reviewing it soon?  In the meantime, here is a page of questions on Chapter 4.  I take 10 minutes to read the new questions and realize it will take me an hour to write the answers, so I arrange to meet Grad Student B to discuss Ch 4 questions in person tomorrow morning.  As for Ch 3?  I spent last Friday and all of Monday afternoon on it, but I still need a good 10 hours to finish.  Note to self – set some of Friday aside to work on Ch 3.  I can get the thesis chapter done in the morning (there are 10 hours in each morning, right?) and that will still leave the afternoon for the other student’s paper rewrite.
• Email from Grad Student C: Dear professors – here is the 2^nd draft of our paper for you to read before our meeting tomorrow afternoon.   I am looking forward to your feedback.  Hmm – classes and labs all day today – note to self – set aside 2 hours to go through this paper tomorrow morning. 
• Email from Undergrad student who took an extended Christmas break and missed the first week of classes last week:  Professor (not dear professor, mind you, cos I am bug spit) – I need to discuss my career – what time can I come to your office to do this?  Hmm – not, do you have any time in your busy schedule to help me plan my career but, what time shall I come by to tell you my life story and waste an hour of your life?  Well I guess I should be happy that he’s actually making an appointment instead of just dropping by.  I slot him in for Wed. at 1 pm. 
• Email from Professor 1 (we are Student C’s co-supervisors): Faye – don’t forget our meeting tomorrow afternoon with Student C.  Have you read the paper yet?  What do you think? Also, do you have time tomorrow or Thursday to meet with Student D – he wants to show us the results of his latest lab experiments and get some advice.  Check schedule – tomorrow is starting to fill up – better make the meeting with Student C …  no no – that’s Student D  – on Thursday…  hmm, classes all morning that day, better make it for 2 pm…  nope got that meeting with Professors 1 and 2 to continue working on that NSERC Strategic grant application. (Wasn’t I supposed to prepare something for that meeting?)  Anyway, schedule the meeting with Student D for 3 pm. 

BLING!!  MSN message from Grad Student E:  Faye – here is an update on the field trip yesterday…   10 min MSN conversation…

I look at the clock – it is 8:30AM. That’s okay – lots of time – I will start getting ready for class at 9:00 AM.  I notice my cereal – it is mush.  No problem, I need to diet anyway…  Got to get back to the emails, 21 to go…nope wait!  There are 8 new ones – that makes 29 to go…

• another Email from Professor 1 – yes turns out we ARE supposed to prepare something before meeting with Professor 2 on Thursday!  Do I have time for a pre-meeting to prepare for the meeting?  Ok – Wed is getting hectic – let’s do it Thur at 11… Nope – I have a class Thur at 11.  How about 1:15 – that gives us 45 min before the meeting with Professor 2.  No wait – got a meeting with undergrads at 1:30 – they need help with an assignment.  Okay – finish class at 12:30, eat lunch, meet Professor 1 at 1:00 PM, undergrads at 1:30 PM, Professor 2 at 2:00 PM and Student D at 3:00 PM.  No problem – SO relaxing being a professor! 
• Email from Grad Student F – I am applying for a scholarship – can you look over my application and give me some feedback?  I’ll do that one while I eat my lunch today after class finishes at 12:30…
• Email form Journal A editor:  New paper submitted – will you review it – need the review within 3 weeks.  No problem – 3 weeks?  Tons of time – they only take a day to do.  I email back a “yes”. 
• Email from Gov’t bigwig: Faye: Could you please be on this government advisory committee to develop a monitoring plan for the XXXXX  River?  It will only be a few hours a week starting immediately – there will be 6 conference calls followed by a 3 day retreat in February.  Now that really sounds like fun – NOT!!!!
• Email from Journal B Editor:  You promised to review this paper. Where is the review?  Don’t forget the review of this paper is due today.  Do you need more time?  Oh crap – I forgot about that – they asked me weeks ago…  Yes I do need more time…  I Email back and get a 1 week extension.  I’ll do the review on Friday morning, before I go back to the thesis Chapter for Grad Student B…
• Email from a consultant in Nova Scotia:  Hi Dr. Hicks – we are bidding on a project to design a bridge in Newfoundland, and we have selected you to be the ice expert.  You can actually help with the design or just review our work after – whichever you prefer.  I prefer to not be involved at all!!!  Contrary to the myth – I do not double my salary with consulting income – I do actually need to sleep sometimes… 

DING!   My electronic calendar – it’s 9:20 AM – just enough time to throw my stuff together and head to class.  I rush down set up; I am all ready at 9:30:00.00000000…  Only half the class is there – the rest of the class dribbles in over the next 10 minutes.  I read them the riot act about being punctual, give the lecture, answer questions, finish up at 10:50 AM – I have 10 minutes to run downstairs and to the other side of the building for my next class.  Students mill around me – asking me questions:

• I am going to be away in Mexico on such and such a day, can I do the lab another day?  NO! 
• Do you know so and so? He knows you; he says hi!  Thanks – tell him HI!
• You are rushing to another class aren’t you?  Shall I pop by your office later?  Yes, check my posted schedule and email me to make an appointment.  

I throw all my stuff in the bag, race out the door -  I am a football player deeking and dodging undergrads as I run for my next class -  they stand around laughing and talking on the stairs, in the doorways – GET OUT OF MY WAY!  I want to scream.   So BLOODY relaxing being a professor! 

I make it to class, and set up, realize that I’ve forgotten my laptop’s power cord in the other classroom, run up to get it and get back to this classroom just in time to start the lecture at 11:00:00.000000…  This bunch is better – they know me from last term; most are in their seat on time.  Of course it IS 11 AM – not exactly the crack of dawn.  How hard can it be to get there on time?

I perform for them for 80 minutes and then its break time for me!!  Nothing booked until 1:45 PM. YAY! I shut my office door – my stomach is rumbling.  I pull out the hot lunch that my dear, sweet husband packed for me at 5:30 AM that morning.  As I lean back to munch on rice and veggies, I see the light blinking on my phone.   I punch the keys and listen to the messages as I eat my lunch…

• Hi Faye – this is Betty Bimbo from BOOB radio – we want to get you on our show to talk about all this snow we’re having and what kind of floods we can expect this spring.  We’ll do the interview at 7:25 PM tonight.  I hate doing interviews.  Why do reporters always assume that I’m just dying to be on the radio?  The questions are always so inane that they make ME sound like an idiot.  The one and only time I got good questions and actually managed to ace the answers, they called back an hour later and said they had garbled the recording – so could we do it again?  Needless to say, the second one was a dud.  I decide to leave this one to deal with at 6 pm… that way, hopefully, I can turn her down by voicemail and avoid a debate.
• Hi Faye – this is Student X from you undergrad class last year.  Was hoping I could stop by for coffee and advice?   This guy has been to see me monthly since graduation – poor guy just can’t find a job.  I check my schedule – the rest of the week is full – I decide to email him later…

I open the scholarship application file for Grad Student F and start making edits.

BLING!!  MSN message from Grad Student B:  Thanks for making time to meet me tomorrow morning, I was  just wondering…

BLING!! MSN from Grad student E – can you upgrade my software, the license has expired…

BLING!! MSN from Grad Student F – my computer isn’t working – I think it has a virus…

BRRINNG!  The phone; research partner from the NWT.  20 minute phone conversation.

KNOCK,  KNOCK!  Undergrads – where is the lab this afternoon?  Room 2-003 I tell them…   I want to scream – can’t you look that up for yourself!?  But instead I just smile.  They smile and leave. I take a bite of my cold lunch.   I stop myself just as I raise my hands to pull out my hair.  So relaxing being a…

KNOCK,  KNOCK!  It’s my grad students – the Teaching Assistants for my undergrad course.  “Time to go to the lab!!” they chorus.  They are so young and energetic.  They look at me sympathetically as I drag my ass out of my chair.

We go to the lab – they buzz around the room like bees, pollinating the minds of the younger students with knowledge.  They are so excellent at it that by 3:30 PM I am not needed – so I head back up to my office to start preparing the lab for next week.  I could do it on Friday, but I like to leave that day free for research.   I have been writing a paper that just needs one more day of polishing before it is ready to submit.  The last time I worked on it was in August…8 months ago, before classes started… during that 4 month period that the rest of the world thinks we use for an extended vacation…

I have 26 new emails which I ignore.  I can deal with them tomorrow before I read Student C’s paper.  Got to get this lab material ready.

KNOCK, KNOCK – it’s the student from my grad course – no email to make an appointment – just here at my door wanting instant gratification – can we discuss his term project?  30 minute conversation ensues.

KNOCK, KNOCK – it’s the grad students – the lab is done.  The undergrad students want to know when I am going to post the solution so they can start on the homework that follows from it.  I spend an hour fighting with eClass trying to post the necessary files on the course web page.

At 5:45 PM I call Betty Bimbo at BOOB radio and, as I hoped, I get her voicemail.  I mentally high-five myself for this minor coup.  I leave a message telling her who to contact in government to get the info she is seeking.  With any luck – I will never hear from her again…

At 6:00 PM I head home, I will only have a one hour commute – pays to stay late!

By 7:15 PM I am in my PJ’s, in a comfy chair by the fire, a glass of wine in hand.  I am gonna catch up on Cori and just veg for a few minutes.  My dear, sweet husband pops his head around the kitchen doorway and says:

“While  I am making supper, you should give Wendy a call and make plans to…”

I take what he lovingly describes as a ‘persnickety fit’, and send him packing back to the kitchen.  As he disappears, I hear him say. “I thought you said you weren’t going to drink wine on weeknights anymore?”

Yes, it’s soooooo frigging relaxing being a professor… if only I had known… 

Les and Bodie

I would like to relate to you a story about a most embarrassing experience that happened to me while shopping at a local store.

My wife Faye and I live on a quiet acreage outside of Edmonton, on which we have a multitude of pets, as well as a constantly changing number of foster cats that we look after for the Northern Alberta Society for Animal Protection, or NASAP, for short.

The story that I want to relate to you took place a good fifteen years ago, when Faye and I commuted together back and forth from our home to our jobs at the University of Alberta. Due to the long drive from our home to the store where we purchased the majority of our pet foods and supplies, we usually resorted to stopping there on the way home from work. This meant that we were often tired and frazzled when we did our shopping.

I really must tell you a bit about this store. It’s called G&E Pharmacy and it’s located in the south-east end of Edmonton. This is a family run business that has been serving the Edmonton area for many years now. Several generations of the owner’s family can be found working there at any one time, all the way from teen-aged grand-daughters up to the matriarch of the family, the grandmother, who although she has never mentioned her age to me, has to be well into her eighties. Those shoppers who walk through the front door for their first time must all feel the same sense of amazement that hit me on my first visit. As I strolIed around looking at the variety of items overflowing the shelves I felt that I had stepped back in time. The business might be called G&E Pharmacy, but it is in fact a general store of the type that one might have found in any small town many years ago. Along with pharmaceuticals (for both humans and the four-legged animals), this store stocks just about every imaginable item that might be of use to city dwellers, country folk, hobby farmers, and yes, even real full-time farmers.

Due to the sheer volume of stock that is carried at G&E, the aisles are often cluttered with various items for which there is absolutely no room on the shelves, which can make maneuvering around other shoppers while avoiding the stock that is sitting on the floor a definite challenge. On the day that this story took place, Faye and I had headed off in different directions to save time – she to get some dog biscuits and cat treats while I went hunting for a specific brand of dog food.
It took me a few minutes to find the food I was looking for and as I was finally heading to the front of the store I came around the corner of an aisle and found Faye, with her back to me, reading the label on a package of rawhide dog chews. I had just read an article in a magazine about the risk of dogs choking on small pieces of rawhide and I decided right then and there that I would nip this new dog treat idea of Faye’s in the bud. I walked up behind her until I was looking over her shoulder at the package, with my cheek almost brushing hers, and as I reached around with my hand and gave her waist an affectionate little squeeze, I said “I really don’t think those are a good idea.” As I was uttering my learned opinion on the merits of rawhide chews, I happened to glance up from my inspection of the package to see Faye halfway down the aisle, walking towards me, with a decided frown on her face.

“That’s strange”, I thought. “How can Faye be halfway down the aisle giving me the evil eye, AND be snuggled up against me at the same time?”

As my mind was dealing with this perplexing question, the lady whose waist I was still holding looked around at me and with a sweet smile and a tone that belied the fact that a strange man was groping her, asked “Why, is there a problem with them?”

Well, I am happy to say that after a spluttered apology from me explaining how much she looked like my wife from behind, although as Faye rather drily pointed out to me afterwards, they weren’t even wearing the same colored coat, the unfortunate recipient of my words of wisdom, and of my groping, was very gracious and was still laughing as we left her to carry on with her shopping. I don’t know if she ever did buy that package of rawhide dog chews.

I can also report that after fifteen years, Faye has just about forgiven me as well. Ever since that day though, whenever we go shopping, and before we head off in different directions, she always asks me “And what color is Faye’s coat today?”

© Les Hicks, 2010

Ha ha – this was truly hilarious.  The look on Les’s face when he spotted me – first confusion, then shock, then beet red embarassment – I still crack up when I think of it.